Dreaming of A'changels

Since I came to Baton Rouge, I have continually told myself, ‘now I will relax’. And while repeating myself over and over again, days have turned into nights; weeks have changed into months. I am sad, but not surprised, to say that I have not relaxed. In the first months, I pursued my work, my grades, my future. I applied to the usual graduate degree programs: Oxford, Cambridge, etc. That took up all my time and it was difficult to relax without a thought of a thing I had left undone.


In the later months, my thesis consumed me. Writing on the most complicated legal subject in the world (U.S. corporate tax law), I found myself up against a monster. When the law moved, it was an unstoppable force; when the law stood its ground, it was an immovable entity. I was the victim everyday.


Then the results of my applications came in. Those universities told me what they thought of me. On paper, I kinda suck! They sent me their usual thin envelopes to apologize in their cultured English manner that they could not take “all the highly qualified people who applied for places”. I am familiar with disappointment and so I take such phrases kindly. I take many things in life without stress. Nevertheless, it took me an hour or so to settle the thought that I would not arrive at the doors of Oxford this year. I did get some luck though. Some universities thought I was stellar. A dean called me and awoke me from one of my “power naps” – the ones I take after being whipped like a recalcitrant child by tax law. Yes, I did get some luck. Indeed favor is the reason why I will spend the next year in the Big Apple.


Moreover, after the last few months, I have battled with the Uncertainty. Indeed, it is a thing by itself. It worries my friends from six thousand miles away who dream to be where I am while I am here hoping to be in someone else’s shoes as well. It is the Uncertainty that helped most in breaking my faith in me. Here I am…in a small city beside the Big Easy. “I can’t compete with the kids in New York, New Haven, Massachusetts, and Chicago….” It was so easy to forget that I have consistently done the unthinkable while living the unfathomable. It is the conundrum of life. It is perhaps why I have been unable to relax.


But the Almighty ones thought that I needed reminding. They sent an army of one to help me believe in myself. Indeed, it is interesting to find that an old, fragile, white woman would bond so strongly with a young, fragile, black kid. She sees what I do not see in me. She knows that I am strong; she hopes that I will not give up. And so I have not. I put my chin up and I dug into it. The hydra-headed monster did not overwhelm me. I did not need to compete with the kids up North…my fate came to me…on a platter…with free flights to the home of the Rockets and the Astros and a ridiculous salary for being myself. I go to Houston this weekend to work for the world’s top energy firm.


Now, as I lie by the lake, I watch two ducks waddle past me. I wonder what their conversation is about. Since I am unable to speak ‘duck’, I turn my focus to more tangible things. I am grateful for the breeze around my legs. I am thankful for the rustle of the leaves that sound like the footsteps of a friend trying to surprise me. I know that I still cannot relax; there is so much left undone. But for now, my spirit is quiet. And, for now, that is enough. Let me worry about others; I have worried enough about myself.